Dear Underdog:

UPDATE YOUR MOTHER-LOVING BLOG. Thousands, if not millions of dedicated and hopeful fans have endured far too much time passing. You are LOSING them. Their numbers shrink by the hundreds every hour. Try as I might to keep them hopeful; to instill that urge to fight just a little while longer, they keep telling me:

"He's gone, man! He's forsaken us! Look at how long it has been! All is lost!"

I fight on saying:

"No, no! It isn't true! He only sleeps! I promise he'll be back! The longer he waits the greater the revelation will be! The more entertaining the words and phrases!"

But they lose hope, brother. The masses are turning against you. Your blog has somehow been left a desert...turned over to happenstance visitors and random spam-comments on virility products. And for what? A few more hours of fighting a fake battle against a virtual enemy on a game we rented using a console you don't even own?!?

My heart weeps...it weeps I tell you. It weeps like a hundred jackals at the hands of drug-crazed yetis. It weeps like so many spider monkeys who know the real key to life is just to fling poo, yet are unable to communicate such a truth to us mindless humans. My heart pours tears as if it just learned Optimus Prime himself was nothing more than a myth. Please, forsake us no longer...